February 2012
4 posts
i am in a constant state of being my own biggest headache. you’re here until you’re there, and you’re okay until you’re not. it is so easy to listen to others and shoot it all down. that didnt happen. i didnt say that. you’re all wrong. until then, one day it all just becomes true, even if it’s just true in your head. i am not the one you go out of your way to...
i felt my heart break at nineteen in a way that i never thought was possible. watch someone change right in front of you and tell you that everything is different. i can’t help myself from loving you. toss and turn. fight all of it. i could love you if you’d let me, but i can’t fight for someone who doesn’t want any of it.
the things you aren’t ready for other people to know. not everything sounds the same outloud. i don’t have my things together, not like you’d think at least. i sleep soundly every night tucked into bed with the idea of you. i still rollover and expect the other side of the bed to be occupied, even though it hasn’t been in months. i will never know if all the things that...
there will always be one person who sets the standard for what it all means. happiness has manifested itself into different forms. there is happiness, and then there is you. always on separate tracks. staying parallel except for those slight moments when they overlap. it’s lying in your bed with my head on your chest, looking up at you. it’s fighting until dawn over things you...
January 2012
11 posts
people you don’t care about talking about stuff you don’t care about doing things you don’t care about. you are not a person, you an an object for someone else to put into play. there is no security in the dirtiness of it all, but there is comfort in the fighting
the feeling of missing what you had. and the feeling of missing what was never yours to begin with.
There is comfort in a mess and a feeling of stability within inconsistency. I would rather be taking naps in airports than have a key to my own front door. Going isn’t always running away from something as much as it is running to something that you just haven’t discovered yet.
it takes a lot less to be sad than to actually admit to yourself that you’re sad. it’s easy to lay in bed, ignore text messages, and not go out. but it’s an entirely different story when you’re out and about and you don’t want to be there and you can’t figure out why it feels like there entire world is just crashing down upon you. the built up tension and the...
ninety percent of the time i feel like i’m going absolutely insane. i look around at the people surrounding me and i can’t figure out how they’re able to stay in a state of normalcy. head in the clouds. it seems like everyone else is completely oblivious to everything that is going on in the world and all the things that are going to be coming for them. i don’t know how you...
every night before i go to sleep my head is engulfed in the thought of being in your bed with you holding me tight. through all the fighting and all the irrationality, you are safety. this isn’t a way to live. tangled in these thoughts just like i’m tangled in your sheets in my head.
i am constantly trying to improve myself to be the person you deserve, only to have it not work out and for you to tell me that you don’t deserve me. i am trying my very best to be good enough for you and turn a less than ideal situation into something manageable. consistently trying to find the fastest way back to you, only to have you stop me mid travel. i was not ready to be nineteen...
“just because we can’t be together doesn’t mean i won’t love...”
distance distance distance. there are always thousands of miles blocking me from exactly what i want. i will never know how immensely happy or miserable you could have made me because words on a screen are not a relationship. you can not vacation in someone’s life and expect them to wait around for you once you step onto the tarmac to go your separate ways. i’ll always question the...
I don’t know how to put all of this into words. The feeling of trying and yet subconciously screwing things up for yourself. Bear with everyone else and their baggage, but get pushed away when yours comes to the frontlines. Hear about everyone saying that you should try to make things work, because one mistake doesn’t define a relationship or a person, and yet watch that fall to the...
Love isnt real because people are too focused on themselves to make it a reality. There will always be someone with ulterior motives or a vegence or a different agenda. We are all too broken and damaged to put our baggage aside to completely accept someone else.
December 2011
6 posts
new people only stay new for so long before they just become uninteresting and routine. i should have expected me to trade me up and out for a brand new model, but for some reason i still never saw it coming. this new girl, i’m sorry, i love you, this other girl, don’t be mad, i love you, we talked again, i don’t want you to be upset, etc etc etc. there are only so many times you...
jealous jealous jealous jealous jealous jealous. i will always be mad about something. i never realized it, but god damn i just like to argue. i will find something that you’re doing wrong or not doing or that you aren’t standing up about. mindgames. i want you to argue back and prove that you are willing to fight for me and that you want me around. circle around for a few hours. i am...
“you’ve always had a heart, it was just always in the wrong place”
I gave you my heart and god damn you just showed me the door. It feels completely defeated and obsolete to even want to put myself through this again. Love someone so they can throw it in your face and leave you in the dust. Give someone your heart so that can hand it right back to you, taped up and on life support. It does not make sense how you can hurt someone so badly that you love and by all...
It is such a unique experience to watch from the outside as your heart breaks into pieces. That moment when you want to jump and push someone out of the way before the train comes, but you cant get your feet to move and god damn its like your body just shut off. with every single inch of my body I just wanted to run to you and kiss you and be happy knowing that you chose me. But I couldn’t....
when what you’ve been waiting to hear just cuts you like a knife. i didn’t know these words would cause me such immense physical pain, like my heart was being ripped out of my body and the rest of me was split down the middle.
November 2011
11 posts
i guess i built up walls without even realizing it. i let you in, and you pushed me out. here i am again, standing at the crossroads. i want to let you in but god damn you just wont let me.
the moment you told me you chose her was the best moment of my life because it allowed me to get over you forever.
“your world would be easier without me in it” “that’s true, but...”
i would choose you, every single god damn time. but that isnt reciprocated. and life goes on.
it took nineteen years for me to find love and only moments for it to be ripped out of my grasp. some days it all sits idly on the sidelines, the calm before the storm. i don’t feel myself missing you and your face slips my mind. then it all comes at once. the ache of not having you here and being able to physically feel the emptiness that can encompass me. there are some things that a text or a...
for the first time, i don’t just want to get up and walk away. all i want is for you to make me a priority and let me in. consistency.
what do you do when the person you want to be with isn’t there? miles away, state lines apart. i am trying my very best to be happy here, you have no idea. this whole thing, in this pseudo relationship that is there when the other person wants it to be there. i have to make that drive past the airport and every time it crosses my mind to get on a god damn plane and make that trip to see you. just...
it would be a complete lie to say that i wasn’t happy with you. looking back on everything, of course i was happy. i just knew i wouldn’t stay happy long term unless things changed. i hope for your own sake that things changed and that you’re happy. you can’t stay in your party stage forever, and i was just looking for some consistency and substance. i am moving on and...
the person who got away. there is always the one person who got away. i am always that person. come around a few times then mysteriously head back into my own world. can’t please a girl who never knows what she wants. i am beginning to learn that running is the result of it being either all or nothing. if i actually want something, i will dive head first into it. let me be supportive of you,...
i have so much to say, and nothing at all. i just want someone to show me that they want me. raw, natural, and passionate. i want someone who will fight for me and grab me when they kiss me. i am not a second choice or a backup plan. i am making an effort for the first time, and i want it to count. i miss this summer, but i can’t change any of that. there is nothing i can do about all those...
there is nothing you can do to make someone love you. there are no words you can say to bring someone to have the desire to make an effort towards you. i don’t want to have to ask for anything. press send. make the drive. book the plane ticket. don’t wait for an invitation arises to show that you want something. or it will be too late.
October 2011
9 posts
sometimes it takes being slapped in the face with your own actions to see your faults. you can not keep someone as a second choice, expecting to be able to switch lines and go back to them when you do not get your way. a human being is not a backup plan. you can not dabble between two options, holding one persons heart in one hand, and another persons in the other.
i create problems and i jump to conclusions. i am an awkward mess of an individual and i stumble over half of my words. my mind is constantly jumbled, full of things that i should have said and things i probably should say. but god damn, i will be yours if you let me. for the first time since i can remember, i have no escape plan. there is no backup plan. no one is waiting on the other line,...
i have been called heartless, cold, and emotionless more times than i care to admit. there’s no wonder how through all these years i’ve been forced into adopting the term ice queen. i had two boys in my life get taken from me in a two week span, and while i understood how devastated i was, i didnt understand how deep that actually effected me. that doesn’t just get swept under the rug, but at the...
It is so surreal to watch someone say things that were once said about you, but with someone else in mind. To be forced to step back and see that the person you loved is nonexistent anymore. A facade. A memory. The past.
i am constantly torn between one thing and every other option out there. consistently worried that i come on too strong and i feel the need to analyze everything in my head until it wraps itself into something else. i dont care what you think about me or what you say about me. if you want people to stop talking about you, don’t give them anything to talk about.
Everyone picks me by default, and I will never wrap my head around why. I am not sitting here asking anyone to fall in love with me or hold me in high regard, it just happens. Be with me, be with me, be with me. I am messy, complicated, and I will always be forgetting something. Please don’t come into my life because I do not want the blood on my hands of breaking your heart. Oh yes, trust...
i have wasted so much time and potential trying to keep everyone happy and at an equal level of emotion towards me that ive lost myself and the passion that goes along with companionship.
it is so hard to give advice when you have no idea what you’re doing. no one wants to admit that they’re vulnerable. so instead, we all choose to prance around with our heads stuck so far into our own ass that everything becomes shut down. if there is a chance to get hurt, we avoid it, we make excuses, and we create a scapegoat for our feelings. we make mountains out of mole hills, and...
“It’s so nice to wake up in the morning and not have to tell someone you love them when you don’t love them anymore”
It took me all this time to realize I didn’t know what I was talking about. It’s not that I didn’t believe in love, I just couldn’t believe in it with you. I couldn’t wrap my mind around something that I hadn’t found yet. The concept...